You’ve likely pictured how magical your wedding would be since you were a little one. You also likely dreamt of being confident for your wedding in your amazingly luxurious attire.
“I want to have a fountain that shoots chocolate and have unicorns fly me in on a glittery carriage as the person of my dreams anxiously awaits to take my hand in marriage as fireworks go off in the background and we retreat to our castle.”
I don’t know too much about the first two but it seems like an ideal wedding from a kid’s imagination, right?
I mean, getting married is THE ultimate fantasy, correct?
You’re a princess on your wedding day.
At least, that’s how popular movies depict it princesses and weddings.
That you need saving from a man to be complete, right?
Fuck that archaic statement and perspective!
The fact that you as a young, impressionable mind began the mental footwork towards a very important life decision that would be made DECADES later shows how society has a hand in programming your wants and desires.
Have you heard these specifically or in any iteration?
“You should want marriage.”
“That’s not lady-like, you should be more like *insert behavior*”
“You should learn how to be a mother.”
“You’ll never find a husband that way.” (Not to exclude the LGBTQ+ population, this is just the narrative that society has been preaching; another problem in itself.)
Any or all sound familiar?
All these messages are planted in your brain and normalized.
What you tell yourself and are consistently exposed have the ability to become your identity.
Images and ideas(even false ones or ones not rooted from fact) get continually reinforced and can scarily enough, become a part of you.
It may not be what you truly want, but that’s what you’re “supposed to do.”
So you relent.
Society says white picket fence and “two and a half kids in the suburbs is the ultimate goal,” for everyone.
Well, how is that fair?
How does that even make a lick of sense?
We are all uniquely different and as such, lead different lifestyles.
I have different goals and aspirations from you, and you from the next person.
How are your desires for your life less “realistic” or “socially acceptable” just because what you want out of life disagrees with what you’ve been conditioned to want?
I’m here to let you know it’s still very much valid, and I support you wanting to screw off.
Autonomy is the best trait for a Bride-To-Be to have in my opinion because you deserve to do more of what will make you, not society, happy.
If an overwhelming majority of media, either print, video, music or social constantly pushes their agenda on you, it could start to rattle your core and make you question yourself.
You might begin to feel your life is scripted by an unknown patriarchal screenwriter who refuses to let you adlib and march to your own beat.
How can you feel confident for your wedding that way?
Where it’s said being your most authentic and unabashed self is frowned upon.
That everywhere you look is an image or idea contrary to you and yours. Be it;
“You don’t have the right body type.”
“This is a man’s world, you have to play the game.”(Which implies there’s an actual game, with winners and losers.)
“You need to be a mother, how dare you not want kids!?” or,
“You say you don’t want them now, but you’ll change your mind”(Which socializes women needing to want children.)
“Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” (Which implies there’s only one way to have a relationship, and it’s either heterosexual or you’re wrong.)
“Don’t rock the boat. Don’t voice your opinion”(Which implies you shouldn’t take up any space and should just do what you’re told.)
Among many other confining, controlling structures.
You might even think “if you can’t beat em…”
Well, fuck society and the mold it tries to put all womxn in.
It’s particularly prevalent to engaged womxn.
From assuming you want a dress and how you “should” look, to traditions, to hair and make-up. It’s so much, it loses sight of what a wedding is about!
You and your fiance and love and shit.
My goal is to help empower you to feel as confident for your wedding as you can be, free from societal clutches.
It might not.
Perhaps it’s wanting to build lean muscle for your wedding,
It might just be wanting a way to feel a sense of belonging in the body you are currently in.
It’s not my job or society’s job to define it for you.
But before any work can be done, I must first ask…
What does being confident for your wedding look like to you?
Not to be confused with self-esteem. (Self-esteem contributes to your self-confidence but is different. Self-esteem is how we value ourselves and perceive our value to the world.)
As I’ve just stated, this is very personal to you. We all have a different view on it, so get clear on it.
Write down your definition of confidence as it pertains to you.
Second, list the attributes of someone you admire that has confidence. What about them oozes confidence?
Lastly, ask yourself what could you do, be or achieve if you had all the confidence you needed? These all help you to create a personal confidence creedo.
You might have limiting beliefs in certain areas of your life. Those same beliefs put the vacuum to your confidence and suck it dry.
You may be very confident in your abilities or job! For example,
You walk up in that bitch, standing tall and demanding the room once you get to work.
You picture an anthem going off as you strut in(Like “I’m Every Woman” that shit is montage material and you FEEL that) and people take notice.
You aren’t dared messed with. You’re respected, admired, and questionably, coveted.
On the flip side, what if you may not be as confident in social situations?
How you present in your behaviors, body language, how you speak and how you think about yourself gets picked up on.
You might be curled over instead of standing or sitting tall.
Maybe you cower and hope no one speaks to you instead of boldly initiating conversation and making your presence known.
Perhaps you might dread for it to be over so you can escape instead of spreading your power and making the best of it.
Very different scenarios right?
Confidence is that thing that manifests in every aspect of our lives, so it makes sense to cultivate it to serve us.
Higher confidence allows you to get more out of life so you can aspire to The Best Badass Bride, and just general badassery.
As humans, we’re drawn to the confident.
The confident get perceived different.
When you lack confidence, others lack confidence in you.
Who would you want in your circle? “Every Woman” or “Cowering Carrie”?
So, what the hell is confidence and how do you become confident for your wedding?
Confidence, according to Merriam Webster, is a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something.
Your level of confidence naturally defaults to your current feelings of yourself and your abilities. This once again calls back to your childhood environment and if you’ve had a nurturing upbringing or a more rocky one.
The good thing is you can start to feel confident for your wedding right now!
You can start to change the belief in yourself right now, no matter what you’ve been through, in time for your wedding!
The goal here is to increase that feeling of you doing well and succeeding.
Succeeding at being a The Best Badass Bride.
The more confident you are, the more in control you feel and the better you perceive your life to be.
Here’s How you can Start To Feel More Confident On Your Wedding Day, no matter how you look
1.) Embrace imperfection
“When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun”- Brene’ Brown
The first step in becoming more confident for your wedding is to accept that nothing is 100% and to embrace what is working.
The sooner you can realize that perfectionism is a fairy tale(and not a good one), the sooner you can shed the ways of The Overwhelmed Bride-To-Be and accept yourself for who you are.
You give yourself the ability to really thrive in life.
Good enough is good enough.
Your best is good enough.
If society tells you you’re not good enough, being in the position to say “I am good enough because I’m doing the best I can” is the ultimate fuck you to society.
When you give it your all, you’re winning.
Your partner, close friends and family love you just as you are, which leads to point two.
2.) Support Others
You can boost your self-confidence by being supportive!
By supporting others, you feel uplifted and valued by sharing your magic sauce.
When your “drip” gets used to help other people grow, it makes you realize you’re good at something.
Being good at something increases confidence!
This empowers you to do other challenging, but worthwhile things.
Side bonus- you instantly feel better about yourself cause you helped out!
Got the fuzzies? Good.
Onward to point three
3.) Use Positive Self-Talk
Positive self-talk goes a long way in building your confidence.
As someone who needs to fit in a wedding attire, it’s easy to dissect all the “flaws” you have and become fixated on them. Instead of getting frustrated and angry about something you have, why not shine the spotlight on what you love about your body?
Might be a feminine curve.
Might be your radiant and alluring eyes.
Might be your seductive smile and lips.
Might be your work-ethic, something not related to appearance or the physical!
What are those things that you wouldn’t change about yourself? Make a list of them.
Now take it a step further.
Why do you like what you like?
Not “I get a lot of compliments on it”(although, that can help.)
What do YOU like about it? How does it add to your life?
Do you feel sexy and confidence in your favorite outfit because your curves complement you and you can just relax in it, without feeling uneasy, tightly wound or scared of judgement?
Do you love your legs because they’re strong enough to help you walk upstairs and support you?
Do you love your butt because they make your favorite pair of leggings or palazzo pants really pop so you feel confident?
Do you love your hips because they in fact, do not lie?(I just had to)
Do you love your eyes because you give a gaze to your partner and they just absolutely crumble and go mind-blank and you love the power that comes with it?
You can feel confident in your body.
You can feel confident in other areas of your life.
You can learn to love your body and heal your image, despite society’s conditioning.
Even taking the negative out of what you say to yourself helps. Because if you constantly tell yourself;
-” I’m unworthy of belonging”,
-“I don’t deserve success”, or
-“I can’t lose weight for my wedding“
Your behaviors will take orders from your thoughts.
Negative thoughts and feelings bring you down and lower your self-confidence.
If you can’t go to positive yet, replace the negative-talk with neutral-talk and observations.
That takes the sting out of harsh self-criticism.
For example, saying “I have cellulite” instead of “I have gross cellulite” is a step in the right direction.
4.) Visualize your day
Okay. so wedding bells are ringing and love is in the air.
It’s the big day and it’s show time!
How are you gonna feel in your big moment?
Actually visualize it.
Visualization exercises are done by athletes, speakers and even surgeons.
How do you want to feel as you’re walking down the aisle? Are you radiantly beaming and can’t help but smile because of your excitement?
Are you waiting to get to that point where your veil gets out the way and your spouse gets that first glimpse of you and makes the “OOOOH DAYUMMMMM” FACE?
Really picture yourself slaying on your wedding day and being so care-free, confident and uninhibited while you venture off into this exciting new phase.
When you picture how you’re gonna look and feel as you become a lawfully wedded, it builds into your conscious mind that you already have the ability to be that ideal image of yourself! Do it daily!
5.) Stop trying to please everyone
Once you let go of people pleasing, you can cast off the heavy armor that weighs you down.
You can really begin to live.
Once you act in a way where your values are in tact and you can be your most authentic self, you can be confident..
Because you can live independent of people’s input.
It won’t have as much bearings on you.
You won’t look for the constant need of being externally validated.
And here’s the thing
It is okay to disagree with others
It is okay for others to disagree with you
You can still peacefully coexist.
If you don’t think that 90’s R&B and New Jack Swing isn’t the best music genre, that’s fine… You can continue being wrong.
What’s your favorite music genre?
How do you feel when someone says something you absolutely love, sucks?
Or says something is so much better.(when it so isn’t)
You hear it.
You feel it.
You disagree peacefully(or not)
But either way, you stand up for your opinion.
Them not caring for your music preference doesn’t break you. You don’t need to please them.
As long as you are in alignment with what you value, and what makes you feel most alive, valuable, loved, cared for and provides a sense of joy…. A contrarian opinion holds less weight, ideally none.
Now this may be an oversimplifcation for having to deal with family members that don’t agree with your lifestyle choices versus socierty.
But when it comes down to it, it’s your life and your business. If there is a problem, it’s a reflection on them, not you.
A lot of touch points happened in this blog post, dating all the way back to your childhood. When you think back, you will likely find that in a way, what you “want” isn’t what you want.
This ever moving target of conventional standards and conditioning can make you feel less than, uneasy, unworthy and lacking confidence.
Confidence comes from within, yes.
But we need people supporting us as we become more confident.
As they cheer you on, it grows, but it starts within.
Join The Badass Bride Brigade Facebook Group to get that support from Brides-To-Be just like you looking to slay their wedding day, as confident as can be.